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Losing A Love & Combatting Loneliness

Are you frightened to be alone? I know many people are frightened to be alone. We are social creatures who thrive on the company and comfort of others. My transformation from married life to single life included learning to understand what it meant to be alone and to embrace it.

What does the word alone really mean?

I’ve felt alone my whole life even though I’ve been surrounded by people. Some of those people actually loved me, like my mom and my grandparents. Feeling lonely does not always mean that you’re alone in the true sense of the word, or even that you’re not loved. I know for a fact that my children love me and that I have friends that love me too. This feeling of being alone is the feeling that you are not part of something, someone, or a group. It’s the feeling that when you die, very few people will notice and you won’t be missed. It’s feeling like you have no true support during hard times; that there’s no one to hold you, comfort you, or talk you out of doing something stupid. I used to go into screaming-and-crying fits, especially during the end of my marriage. The fits used to last for hours and freaked the hell out of me because I truly thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The reason they happened was I sensed and saw I was losing my kids.

It’s like losing a part of your beingness. The thought of not being with my children or them not wanting to be with me was too painful to handle. The only comfort I had during my marriage was the illusion that my husband was there for me. He sometimes actually did come through. Sometimes, after two hours or more of me screaming, he came and held me and calmed me down. Sometimes I fell asleep in my drool on the cold hard floor of my basement. I needed to be okay with truly being alone. The illusion that I had someone at my side was shattered and it was terrifying to me. Even though I knew divorce was the best thing for everyone, that didn’t make it less painful. I had quickly learned that doing the right thing did not necessarily mean it wouldn’t be painful. In fact, sometimes it’s the most painful thing to do; but it’s what needs to be done and the result will eventually be rewarding, or so we hope. When we go in for surgery, it’s necessary but painful. The results are a healthier heart,liver, ankle, or whatever; but it does not mean the process wasn’t horribly disruptive to your life, physically, as well as emotionally devastating.

Grief and loss provide the same experience. We tend to not consider how normal and healthy it is to allow the process of healing, because most Americans are scared of emotions. They, right away, say that there is something “wrong” with the person if he or she is crying over a loss or change in their life. People are so quick to judge when it comes to an emotional event in another person’s life. Physical events you can see. It’s hard to not notice a bandage on someone’s head or someone in a wheelchair; but when it comes to emotional pain and healing, people tend to call it dysfunctional. “She needs medication” or “He’s not normal.”

Feeling alone is an emotional pain that is normal and very common. But in our society, we shun emotions and instead deal with pain by drinking or drugging ourselves in order for us to not feel it or deal with it. I had learned that drugs can be a very effective means to deal with physical pain when I was going through childbirth, and in 2008, from ankle surgery; but I never even considered using drugs for any emotional pain. There are people that flip that around and, for emotional pain, use drugs and/or alcohol, but say they would rather not use any medication for colds, injuries, or physical pain. It’s their way of fooling themselves into believing they are leading a healthy lifestyle. But I’ve learned that everything physical starts with our emotional life. If we numb our emotions, how will our physical life manifest itself eventually?

In truth, you are never alone. Feeling alone is feeling separate from who you really are. We are all connected to everything and everyone. We are Divine beings, spiritual, expressing ourselves in human form. When one experiences solitude, a true gift is formed, where one can deeply connect back to their divinity and hear their true voice.

A great exercise to do, when you find yourself feeling lonely is connect to nature in some way, either by taking a trip to the mountains or taking a walk in a park. Sit with nature. Listen to the water, the trees, the birds. Feel the breeze, the rain or snow on your face. Connect to nature with every sense. In this way you can turn your loneliness into a time of solitude. Reflect on yourself. Give yourself some time alone, some love and some space. This special time with yourself can be very healing, soothing yourself through nature.

Another way to spend your alone time is going out alone to a theater, a restaurant or cafe. Sit and observe what’s around you. Observe other people’s behavior. Two things can happen. 1. You’ll learn a lot about behavior and relate it to yourself;what works and what doesn’t. 2. You might also meet new people you’d otherwise never meet if you’d be with a group, a friend or a loved one. Being alone brings new opportunities that are not open to attached people. By changing the way you view loneliness or aloneness you will change your experience with it. Change your perception and your perception changes.

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How To Get Through A Break Up


Welcome New Horizon

You’re in a marriage for 12 years. You feel miserable and know you want to break up. You finally do it and lo and behold you feel miserable. Why does this happen? I remember after I finally took the steps to end my marriage I felt worse then when I was in the marriage. This shocked me since it was something I’ve wanted for so many years.

According to The Grief Recovery Handbook they define grief as, “The end or change in a familiar pattern, causing conflicting feelings.”

Divorce, or a break up is the end of a familiar pattern. We can be happy that we are moving on from an unhealthy relationship but scared about all the unknowns that lie ahead. These unknowns can cause chaos to enter our lives. Our emotions can go haywire, leaving us feeling as if we just went through a tornado. It’s also the finality of any hopes we had toward the relationship. At times we are also dealing with feelings of rejection, even if we were the ones who wanted the break up.

I remember sitting in my apartment alone during my separation, for the first time in many years, unsure what lied ahead of me. I thought about how I would survive financially, how my children would get through the changes, if I would find my soulmate and contemplated all the unknowns I could not predict. It made me miserable and at times left me in such fear, I found myself gasping for air.

There were several things I did that helped me heal, move on and learn to thrive again but two in particular that made the real difference.

The first thing I did was surround myself with support and positive people who would help push me forward into my new life. I joined a spiritual group, led by a friend called Rising Heat, where we met every weekend and discussed ways to create peace and happiness, Choice Theory, The Five Love Languages and more conscious philosophy. This proved to be extremely helpful in my healing and allowed me to find my power again. The support I received from the group, combined with the philosophical discussions gave me the motivation and assurance to heal, move on and succeed.

The next thing I did was I began figure skating and mountain climbing. I grew up skating but never learned how to fly and dance on ice. I’ve always been attracted to mountains and dreamed of climbing in Colorado and beyond someday. Both of these dreams seemed inaccessible to me during my marriage.

When I got divorced I knew I needed to create myself anew, express myself and allow myself to live completely. Figure skating and climbing in the great outdoors taught me to not only love myself by providing me with hobbies I’ve always dreamed of but I learned to value myself. When I stepped out of my comfort zone onto the ice or packed a backpack to summit a mountain I reaffirmed my strengths, passion, talents and the gifts I have to share with the world. When I was on the ice I felt free. The mountains shared its stillness and power with me I couldn’t get anywhere else. Both of these activities helped me renew a part of me I thought died long ago.

I learned that healing from an end or change in a familiar pattern takes a tremendous amount of self acceptance and self love. Surrounding yourself with the supportive tools and people can help you let go of your past life and old patterns and help you recreate yourself in the way that you want.

The most important thing to remember is the only constant in life is change. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the finality of your hopes toward this relationship. But know this is not the end, rather the beginning and you have the choice on how it will look. By choosing who you surround yourself with, the activities you do and the love you give yourself you are making a conscious decision to start off your new life with a spring in its step. This will cause a spiral effect of more of what you want to see, live and be.

Every moment we decide who and what we want to be, by the choices we make and the actions we do. Let’s choose them wisely.

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Parents Worst Nightmare Turned Into Purpose

One of my goals is how can you take something most would look at as terrible, horrific, a tragedy and turn it into terrific, life changing, inspirational? My goal is to share how you can do it with anything, no matter how insane it looks, how impossible. Let me share with you what is deemed as a parent’s worst nightmare and how I turned it into my life’s purpose.

I recently came across two women who left the orthodox Jewish way of life, as well as abusive husbands and were alienated from their children. In both cases the community ganged up against them, making it near to impossible to get them back. Parent alienation happens to both fathers and mothers. The effects are equally damaging for the parent and children, but there seems to be a weird trend linking alienation from a mother using religion as a tool.

One of the two women, now an actress and model was recently on Dr. Phil, calling the Jewish religion a cult, while the other is an author, who published her very sought after book Unorthodox. She was fortunate to eventually getting her two year old son back. The age of the child plays a key role in the alienation process. The younger the child, the faster the process, but the less damage is done, therefore making it easier to retain custody of the child. The older the children the more time it takes, but the deeper the mark, therefore making it much more difficult to reclaim the children into their mother’s lives. I have met many others in passing who left the ultra orthodox way of life, losing their money, identity and children in the midst. There seems to be a pattern where if a woman in an ultra religious setting chooses to end the marriage, she is ostracized from the community and shunned from her children.

Because I came from an ultra Orthodox Jewish background myself, I was particularly interested in these stories and what the women took from it. I too was alienated by my children from my husband and his new community who were very much part of the process.

This scenario happens in every major religious organization. Women have fewer rights then men, are usually owned or subservient to the man’s wishes and when they try to make changes to their lives, take more control of their destiny, their husband, if abusive will continue his abuse in the form of alienation. This fear alone tends to keep many women stuck in a unhealthy pattern. Many develop severe depression even before the process happens. They feel imprisoned to their circumstance. They don’t see a way out.

For many years I felt chained as well. I felt damned if I left and damned if I didn’t. As long as I was in the marriage I would be with my kids. I didn’t really believe I would lose my children, but there was always something, a feeling, an intuition, a gnawing fear that a part of me would die.

It didn’t happen right away. My kids were older. We were all non observant Jews at the end of the marriage. In order to use the religion as a tool they had to be probed and taught to join the religion again. As soon as we began the separation process the alienation began. One by one my kids joined the ultra religious way of life, starting with my oldest, until finally reaching my youngest 3 years later. Almost as soon as they became religious they changed the way they interacted with me. They stopped communicating with me, found every excuse to stay away from my house, even when it was my week with them. They stopped eating the food in my house, claiming it wasn’t kosher, even though I kept a kosher home since I was born. I had no way of mothering them. Every attempt to connect, love or even discipline was met with hatred. They eventually shared how they wanted to just live with their dad.

After fighting with my ex, trying to convince my children how they need me, asking for advice from countless “experts” and answering countless motions my former husband brought against me I finally realized what needed to be done.

I gave my children what they wanted, one home with their dad, one way of life and true peace. I understood the power of surrender and acceptance. I knew that by me giving them what they clearly wanted everyone would be happier, including me. I knew I wasn’t abandoning them. I was loving them completely, as well as teaching them what self love is, putting a stop to the abuse going on in my house. I understood they were taught to hate me, but with me continuing the fighting it brought strain, pain and more hate rather than peace. The motions left penniless and I felt no control over my life and children. I knew for now this was the only way.

I looked at my situation as a new beginning. I knew if I reclaimed my life and worked on me, when or if my children wanted a relationship with me again I’d be in a secure financial situation to help them. I knew if I allowed myself to heal and constantly remained committed to loving my children and making sure they knew that, that perhaps one day they would know the truth and want more of a relationship with me. I began to trust, become really present and focus on how I can turn this into something good. There were months and months of agony, screaming, sheer pain from being away from my children, but I also knew, just as you heal from a broken bone it hurts, so too does healing a broken heart.

As soon as my children and I separated the relationship I had with most of my children began to heal.
The three youngest and I began skyping immediately. Every time we talk, even now all we experience is love. They are happier in their religious way of life for now and by me accepting them fully I show them the power of true love.

I now travel the country sharing my book Breaking The Chains To Freedom, and share my story of how I broke out of my own chains, how I took my pain and turned it into my purpose. I became a national speaker and life coach. My pain, which turned into purpose has helped many others heal from their pain.

When i recently visiting a domestic abuse shelter in NJ and shared with them my story of healing one of the women asked what the situation with my children are. When I explained to them they are still with their father and why. She looked at me and said,

“Perhaps your children are with their dad so you can do the work you’re doing. We need to hear your words of hope and inspiration.”

This was something I knew, but how wonderful to hear it from a stranger.

So how can one heal, move on and turn pain in purpose? It’s simple but one of the hardest things to do. If you simply change your perception and begin to look at all the possibilities rather than what you are missing, those possibilities turn into your purpose, your passion and your mission. Your pain can turn into you changing yourself, your community and even the world.

The other thing to always remember is

The Only Constant In Life Is Change!

My children in a day, a week, a year can call me up and tell me they want to stay with me now. They might or might not, but the important thing to remember is my constant love for them and acceptance to the present will not just help my own family but everyone I touch. It’s our perception that causes our suffering, never the event.

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Lonely Valentine

Valentine is a funny day. Don’t you think? It produces so many different emotions; ecstasy when you’re in love, anger or relief when you’ve ended a relationship, sadness and depression when you’re recovering from a break up and sometimes peace when you’re alone. The key to these emotions is how you deal with being alone.

When I first got divorced I was officially alone for the first time in my life. I didn’t realize how scary that was for me. I was unsure if I should throw a party and celebrate or cry from the emptiness I felt. Interestingly enough I had felt alone during my childhood and my whole marriage. I was surrounded by people but felt alone. As I later evolved I pondered that idea. How can one feel so alone surrounded by people and others experience no loneliness when there’s no one else around? I realized that the feeling of loneliness comes from within. As human beings we all need human contact and human connection, but some of us don’t seem to need as much. Does it come from self confidence, security or is it simply a characteristic? From what I’ve learned and experienced I believe it’s a bit of all of the above. Self confidence and security plays a role in how we feel and act around others and when we’re by ourselves. When healing from a divorce many of us experience a drop in our self esteem. This can cause us to act from grief, pain and desperation. We might be acting extremely friendly and warm but the energy that encompasses us is pain and grief. People feel that and we might not realize how our behavior can push people away. I was always flabbergasted with how many people seemed to like me, but very few seemed to want hang out with me. This left me feeling extraordinarily lonely. It wasn’t until I began to reflect on my own behavior that I was able to shift this phenomenon. I realized I was scared of being alone and until I learned to be ok with this the feeling of connection would continue to elude me.

I began to create special “Esther Time” events, whether it was taking myself out to see a play, going to a nice restaurant, taking a hot bath and listening to some music or simply giving myself the attention and love I deserved. When I opened myself up to being ok with being alone I inevitably always met someone amazing who either became a good friend or simply created an entertaining experience. The key to shifting from loneliness to peace in your alone time is enveloping yourself with what you need and want, without searching for it outside of yourself. When you enjoy yourself, just being with yourself and treat yourself how you want to be treated people will show up and help you along the way. It might not show up immediately the way you’d expect but if you keep enjoying yourself, letting go of needing it from the outside that energy alone will surround you with the connection we all want and thrive by.

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Climbing With Uncertainty

Life is full of uncertainty, full of stop and do not enter signs, obstacles and anything you can imagine to keep you from climbing toward your goals. When we are in a painful situation, we sometimes can see a stairway, but because we can’t see what on the top of it, we stay where we are. We make up excuses by saying, “but there was a do not enter sign there.”

I never thought in a million years I’d be doing what I’m doing, writing a book,traveling the country to shelters inspiring women to step out of their pain, becoming a keynote speaker for corporations, mental health institutions and producing my own one woman show. The reason why I’m doing all of this is because I chose to climb up the stairs, even though I didn’t see the top. I took the unknown as a thrill. Yes I was scared. In fact there were times I was so scared I thought I was going to die. I still have moments of fear, but I keep going. You see, what I learned is that there will always be things to be scared about. That won’t change. How you handle the fear can change.

One of the amazing things I’ve seen during my visits to the shelters in California is the women I spoke to all understood they were in control of changing their life. They realized that no matter what happened to them, whether they caused themselves to end up in a shelter or circumstances caused it, they knew they can change things by changing themselves. They all seemed very aware of that. I was humbled by their stories, of pain, hope and for many fearlessness. These women are heroes of spirit.

One of the places I visited and spoke at was a hospital mental health program. Most of the audience were men. I at first wondered if I would connect to a mostly male audience, but I climbed the stairs, knowing that what was at the top I couldn’t see. I knew I had to be there and that group needed to hear me. I was amazed at the profound results.

At the end of the talk, many of the boys and men came up to me and shared their stories. They were truly taken by my talk and grateful for my time with them. And yes… They very much related to me and my message because I let go and what needed to be said just came through me that night.
The women in the audience also came over to me. One was crying. It turned out she was going through something similar to what I went through a few years back with my ex husband. She was still recovering from his abuse and was touched to see what I was doing as a result of what I’ve been through. What I learned from that night was by truly letting go and allowing your feelings, of whatever they are to be, whether it’s fear, anger, sadness or whatever come through you and trust that the stairs will take you to somewhere spectacular you will get there and touch a lot of people along the way.

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Yoga, Dance, & Inspiration in Unexpected Places

Have you ever wanted to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or make a difference to the elderly but never acted on it? I spent many years teaching senior citizens yoga and movement and watched at how their limp bodies woke up and how their faces lit up to the healing power of the class. I began to wonder if there were other groups of people who can use these gifts but don’t have access to it. A lightbulb went off when I realized the homeless, with their stress level through the roof, their risk of drugs and alcohol to numb their pain is close to 100% is the perfect group of people I can share yoga and movement with. Their probability of ever trying a class is close to zero yet they can benefit from it tremendously.

This idea launched my new project of my yoga/movement shelter tour. I will be traveling the country spreading yoga, fun movement and inspiration in women’s shelters across the country. My goal is to give these women tools to make them feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually better so they can go out, learn new skills and create work for themselves so they can better their lives. These tools will teach them how to deal with stress, depression and help their body cope with everyday tasks of a workload.  It’s my labor of love. I’m excited to meet and share with these women what has helped me so much.

In addition to the movement and yoga workshop I’ll be spreading inspiration and giving these women a voice on my new podcast called VOICES OF WOMEN, where I’ll be giving women from all over the globe a chance to have a real voice in the world. I’ll be starting with our homeless women, where I’ll invite them if they choose to be on my podcast, which I’ll tape live at the shelter and have them share whatever is on their mind.

I’m so excited about this because one thing that has carried me around for many years growing up and early in my awakening is the feeling that I’m unheard, invisible and not really cared about in anyway. I thought if only people really heard me, then maybe I can make some real changes in my life and the lives of those around me.

I realized I’m probably not the only person who has felt like that and so now I want to give a chance to those women to be heard.

Please share your thoughts on this project.

 

Much love,

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Tasting The Real Spice Of Thanksgiving & Every Holiday

Do you have a special feeling for each holiday? For example when Christmas comes around do you get into a certain spirit? What about Thanksgiving? Does it spark a certain something? I feel every holiday has a certain energy and “feeling” associated with it. Some of us can feel the unique energy of each holiday,while others of us don’t seem to really experience that much difference between them. Some of us view it simply as a chance to get together with family. This can be enough and rewarding in it of itself, but truly feeling the energy of the day can add a special “spice”. It’s the kind of feeling you can talk about to your grandchildren one day, as they sit there smiling at you, imagining what that might’ve been like to sit in a room full of pure cinnamon bark, singing holiday songs, telling jokes and celebrating the day without cell phones and the TV blaring.

When you try to do the holidays as a new single mother, grieving a loss or dealing with a major change creating a holiday spirit can seem impossible but can be that much more needed.

I grew up in an ultra religious orthodox Jewish family, where we celebrated many deeply rooted traditional holidays. Each of these special days were filled with customs, special clothing, special foods, all producing specific feelings for each specific day. I fell in love with the special uniqueness each holiday provided. I had always wondered if this “feeling” was felt in the secular holidays of the world. I knew other cultures with deeply rooted traditions probably understood what I was feeling, but what of the holidays created by a country rather then a culture or religion? Can the same unique feeling come out or is it just another gathering of people eating good food and hanging out? And if that’s the case does it matter either way?

Growing up there was no celebrating the secular holidays, even Presidents Day or Memorial Day was not considered any different then any other day of the week.   As I  began to open my mind to new thoughts and ideas and ways of life I began to explore all the different holidays the world celebrated, what was eaten, the traditions, why they celebrated and the “feeling” associated with the holiday. I began to celebrate these different holidays but always felt something was missing.

What I found was although there were specific foods for many of the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Halloween the unique “feeling” was not there. Even when exploring some of the religious holidays in American culture, the deeply rooted feeling of celebration seemed to be missing. I wondered why. What has happened? Was it ever there?

As I continued to explore I found that even in the Jewish culture, only a small percentage of the Jews still had that energy, scent, a feeling you can taste that specific spice for that day. I wondered what happened to us as a nation. Why has holiday time become almost like a quick TV dinner, with no flavor, feeling of love all over the home, an aroma you want to keep with you?

The answer I got is our lives have become watered down. Most of us eat our dinners in front of the TV or computer daily. We barely know how to carry on a conversation, texting most of the time rather then real communication. Anxiety is on the rise, keeping us away from truly experiencing anything. With this environment experience quality holiday aromas, a true spice of experience cannot happen. How can we change that? If we chose something different, what would it look like?

I invite you to do something crazy this holiday. Imagine turning off all your cell phones and on your long drive to family have long conversations, sing songs with your children and spend time in silence with your loved ones. While cooking your Turkey, close the radio or TV and experience what the house smells like. What does it look like? Can you buy special candles only meant for that day?

If you are experiencing Thanksgiving for the first time without your kids or it’s your first without your loved one, add something special that is about you. Make it a celebration of you, your beauty, your power, your uniqueness. When you celebrate it next time with your children you can make it about them. Creating a unique celebration of life on these special days, where you can truly bond with yourself, can make it not just memorable but healing and empowering to you and everyone you therefore touch.

Everything is energy and we can create the energy we want. By simply putting intention out and quieting our lives enough to hear, see, smell and taste it that feeling of that specific holiday will be felt and enter our cells so we can activate them next year. The beauty of doing it this way, rather then the way I grew up is you can hand pick each desired feeling you want for each specific day, making it even more memorable than a 2000 year old tradition.

 

 

 

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Wow! What A Journey

The only constant in life is change. When you think about it, can you remember all the details of your life from just a week ago? So much happens and so quickly. Life is truly fleeting. When I think about the journey I’ve been on the last few years I’m in awe at the perfection. When you are in middle of the journey it’s hard to see where the road will take you, even if you have your GPS on and we many times come to conclusions that are far from reality.

Most of my favorite trips were those that had unplanned destinations. It was when I stayed open to the destination or the road that would take me there that created the most incredible outcomes.

A year and a half ago I moved across the country from New Jersey to California. It was by far the most unexpected move. I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d even consider moving so far from everything I know, my family and the familiarity of my life. Moving to California presented a long journey of changes, bumps and unexpected curves. The incredible thing is looking back on that road a year and a half later.

After years of working on my book back East, I finally finished the 12 year journey. The book was just released this week as well as the other gifts I’ve started to share with the world. I struggled as an actor in NYC as well. Once I released how things should occur and what they should look like an inspiration showed up in the form of an idea, and the creation of my One Woman Show began. Wow! Who would’ve thought? How weird is that? The capital of the theater and publishing world in New York was my home for 17 years and I accomplished both a major writing and theater project in quite, suburbia Orange County California. What this tells me is you can do anything at anytime, in any place. Just stay open to the road. You don’t need to take the road everyone else travels on. The road less traveled is not only more adventurous but you might find more treasures at your destination.

I love fall. It’s my favorite season because to me not only is it breathtaking but it reminds me of change. Although the leaves are dying, they fall off the trees with grace and beauty, providing nutrients to the ground below them. There’s no real death, just change.

The same is true to our life. Moving to California was difficult at first. But by adding grace, lightness and freedom to the experience miracles began to pour my way.

If you’re going through a rough patch in your journey of life look for the adventures in the road rather then the obstacles. You’ll be amazed as to where your journey will take you.