Are you frightened to be alone? I know many people are frightened to be alone. We are social creatures who thrive on the company and comfort of others. My transformation from married life to single life included learning to understand what it meant to be alone and to embrace it.
What does the word alone really mean?
I’ve felt alone my whole life even though I’ve been surrounded by people. Some of those people actually loved me, like my mom and my grandparents. Feeling lonely does not always mean that you’re alone in the true sense of the word, or even that you’re not loved. I know for a fact that my children love me and that I have friends that love me too. This feeling of being alone is the feeling that you are not part of something, someone, or a group. It’s the feeling that when you die, very few people will notice and you won’t be missed. It’s feeling like you have no true support during hard times; that there’s no one to hold you, comfort you, or talk you out of doing something stupid. I used to go into screaming-and-crying fits, especially during the end of my marriage. The fits used to last for hours and freaked the hell out of me because I truly thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The reason they happened was I sensed and saw I was losing my kids.
It’s like losing a part of your beingness. The thought of not being with my children or them not wanting to be with me was too painful to handle. The only comfort I had during my marriage was the illusion that my husband was there for me. He sometimes actually did come through. Sometimes, after two hours or more of me screaming, he came and held me and calmed me down. Sometimes I fell asleep in my drool on the cold hard floor of my basement. I needed to be okay with truly being alone. The illusion that I had someone at my side was shattered and it was terrifying to me. Even though I knew divorce was the best thing for everyone, that didn’t make it less painful. I had quickly learned that doing the right thing did not necessarily mean it wouldn’t be painful. In fact, sometimes it’s the most painful thing to do; but it’s what needs to be done and the result will eventually be rewarding, or so we hope. When we go in for surgery, it’s necessary but painful. The results are a healthier heart,liver, ankle, or whatever; but it does not mean the process wasn’t horribly disruptive to your life, physically, as well as emotionally devastating.
Grief and loss provide the same experience. We tend to not consider how normal and healthy it is to allow the process of healing, because most Americans are scared of emotions. They, right away, say that there is something “wrong” with the person if he or she is crying over a loss or change in their life. People are so quick to judge when it comes to an emotional event in another person’s life. Physical events you can see. It’s hard to not notice a bandage on someone’s head or someone in a wheelchair; but when it comes to emotional pain and healing, people tend to call it dysfunctional. “She needs medication” or “He’s not normal.”
Feeling alone is an emotional pain that is normal and very common. But in our society, we shun emotions and instead deal with pain by drinking or drugging ourselves in order for us to not feel it or deal with it. I had learned that drugs can be a very effective means to deal with physical pain when I was going through childbirth, and in 2008, from ankle surgery; but I never even considered using drugs for any emotional pain. There are people that flip that around and, for emotional pain, use drugs and/or alcohol, but say they would rather not use any medication for colds, injuries, or physical pain. It’s their way of fooling themselves into believing they are leading a healthy lifestyle. But I’ve learned that everything physical starts with our emotional life. If we numb our emotions, how will our physical life manifest itself eventually?
In truth, you are never alone. Feeling alone is feeling separate from who you really are. We are all connected to everything and everyone. We are Divine beings, spiritual, expressing ourselves in human form. When one experiences solitude, a true gift is formed, where one can deeply connect back to their divinity and hear their true voice.
A great exercise to do, when you find yourself feeling lonely is connect to nature in some way, either by taking a trip to the mountains or taking a walk in a park. Sit with nature. Listen to the water, the trees, the birds. Feel the breeze, the rain or snow on your face. Connect to nature with every sense. In this way you can turn your loneliness into a time of solitude. Reflect on yourself. Give yourself some time alone, some love and some space. This special time with yourself can be very healing, soothing yourself through nature.
Another way to spend your alone time is going out alone to a theater, a restaurant or cafe. Sit and observe what’s around you. Observe other people’s behavior. Two things can happen. 1. You’ll learn a lot about behavior and relate it to yourself;what works and what doesn’t. 2. You might also meet new people you’d otherwise never meet if you’d be with a group, a friend or a loved one. Being alone brings new opportunities that are not open to attached people. By changing the way you view loneliness or aloneness you will change your experience with it. Change your perception and your perception changes.